Its Been Awhile

So yeah, its been heck of a long time since my last post, but I ain't giving this up just yet. I have returned to my sanctuary, writing on a page and just not caring for what or literally who sees them.

What are the odds in life? You see someone and instantly your heart melts like a chocolate fudge on a hot summer morning.

TONS. You experience this lots and lots of times, well, until you grow old of it and just wonder if once, you will meet that single person in your life that you will love and be loved back. I believe in that, I really hope that I will find that person. I like someone now, the same person that I liked last year, but she says she doesn't feel what I feel for her.

Tragic. Its a shame that happened, I really hoped that she would at least have a tiny bit of feeling for me. I can't get over it, I simply can't.

I see other people being in relationships, they're happy. Why can't I be like them? Am I doing something wrong?

As the days go on I feel smaller and smaller and smaller, the world is opening up to me but I can't reach the velvet skies up above my head. Its like everyone is using me, nobody really cares for me.

I'm being honest here, I'm smart, okay, better than mostly a lot of people, but I'm not the best, just above the ranks. And I'm someone who can't stand seeing people I know in trouble, I have to help them. I'm not boasting but I'm just too easy to be manipulated. I taught in the library last year, because I wanted everyone to get the marks they wanted, everyone I could help I did, I swear I really did.

But I am not a saint, I'm only human. I want something in return, I know its selfish but this is only where I can tell my feelings out. I want to have friends, real friends. I don't want them who would only be my friend because I can teach them. I want to have friends that love me for who I am, not what I'm capable of doing. Someone told me she and her friends loved me cause I am the person I am. I'm skeptical, why won't they find me, sms me, call me?

WHY???

In addition to my worries of no friends, I can't even find someone to love or like. The girl I like don't like me, I feel its unfair to me. I did so much for her and yet, there's no feeling coming from her. Its like I'm a tool to be used by all.

I'm human only, I'm not a sick utility closet for everyone to use. I had God-damn feelings! I don't just study my fcking ass off, that's not how I earn my grades. I am just like all of you, I think.

As a boy, I cry, I listen to Owl City, I enjoy a midnight stroll along a quiet shore with only the waves by my side, I hate football and all other things that boys like oh so much, I spend most of my time being alone at home, I wish for THEM to find me but they wouldn't. So much for man-hood, I really wonder if I'm some kind of freak show.

They say everyone likes me, I don't feel that. I seriously don't. No one cares, unless I tell them to. And that's just wrong, I won't do that.

I guess I'll wait, but I hope that I will see the day that my dreams will be fulfilled. A happy life, friends that care, someone that loves me for me, someone that I love cause she makes me- me.




She never knew I wanted to give her this, and she never will.