Burdens up on my shoulders never really feel lighter, I have responsibilities but not as much as the popular people have, luckily. No, what I have are just emotional stress acting on me. I can't seem to let go of absolutely anything that happens in my life. I go jealous fast and I do mean fast, the green eyed devil looms over me a quick fast as lightning strikes. You see, the girl I like (still) don't like me and I can't seem to get over it. It makes me feel so sad that I've been thinking way too much but I promised myself i wouldn't drink alcohol anymore, so I'm fcking sober and can't just get a hang-over as I will.
I'm very serious now, I was serious. I meant every word that came out of me, to her. I swear to God that I have and yet this feels like a stupid futile attempt by me to court her. But I can't lie to my heart to say I don't love her when I seriously do. I don't know if she acknowledges this, but I just can't get through one day without thinking of her. I'd spend the rest of my life with her, by choice. But that doesn't really favor me, she doesn't like me or even have a slight affection for me and I'm left all alone to ponder what is in stored.
Friends, they just seem so far away whenever or wherever I seem to be. They won't find me, call me or sms me. Heck, i don't even know if I'm considered a friend. What am I? A tool shed? Well, I came to a conclusion that I am so, and guess what, I give up. No more free fcking teaching to all of you c*ck suckling morons anymore. This is it, I won't waste my precious time for you d!cks anymore. Everything I had done, for all of you, you all never cared, fcking appreciated, because I was always a tool. No more, that's fcking it.
I hope that one day I'll find those who are my real friends, those who would actually care for me, I have a few now, they listen to me, consul me and won't give up on me even as I break down into tears. They're there for me, I'll do the same for them. But for my so-called friends, well they can just go get their asses kicked when their results come back. I hope you all fcking fail. Yeah I know, I'm evil, but what you did to me before hand, the way you fcking manipulated me, used me, you don't deserve anything from me.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Its Been Awhile
So yeah, its been heck of a long time since my last post, but I ain't giving this up just yet. I have returned to my sanctuary, writing on a page and just not caring for what or literally who sees them.
What are the odds in life? You see someone and instantly your heart melts like a chocolate fudge on a hot summer morning.
TONS. You experience this lots and lots of times, well, until you grow old of it and just wonder if once, you will meet that single person in your life that you will love and be loved back. I believe in that, I really hope that I will find that person. I like someone now, the same person that I liked last year, but she says she doesn't feel what I feel for her.
Tragic. Its a shame that happened, I really hoped that she would at least have a tiny bit of feeling for me. I can't get over it, I simply can't.
I see other people being in relationships, they're happy. Why can't I be like them? Am I doing something wrong?
As the days go on I feel smaller and smaller and smaller, the world is opening up to me but I can't reach the velvet skies up above my head. Its like everyone is using me, nobody really cares for me.
I'm being honest here, I'm smart, okay, better than mostly a lot of people, but I'm not the best, just above the ranks. And I'm someone who can't stand seeing people I know in trouble, I have to help them. I'm not boasting but I'm just too easy to be manipulated. I taught in the library last year, because I wanted everyone to get the marks they wanted, everyone I could help I did, I swear I really did.
But I am not a saint, I'm only human. I want something in return, I know its selfish but this is only where I can tell my feelings out. I want to have friends, real friends. I don't want them who would only be my friend because I can teach them. I want to have friends that love me for who I am, not what I'm capable of doing. Someone told me she and her friends loved me cause I am the person I am. I'm skeptical, why won't they find me, sms me, call me?
WHY???
In addition to my worries of no friends, I can't even find someone to love or like. The girl I like don't like me, I feel its unfair to me. I did so much for her and yet, there's no feeling coming from her. Its like I'm a tool to be used by all.
I'm human only, I'm not a sick utility closet for everyone to use. I had God-damn feelings! I don't just study my fcking ass off, that's not how I earn my grades. I am just like all of you, I think.
As a boy, I cry, I listen to Owl City, I enjoy a midnight stroll along a quiet shore with only the waves by my side, I hate football and all other things that boys like oh so much, I spend most of my time being alone at home, I wish for THEM to find me but they wouldn't. So much for man-hood, I really wonder if I'm some kind of freak show.
They say everyone likes me, I don't feel that. I seriously don't. No one cares, unless I tell them to. And that's just wrong, I won't do that.
I guess I'll wait, but I hope that I will see the day that my dreams will be fulfilled. A happy life, friends that care, someone that loves me for me, someone that I love cause she makes me- me.
She never knew I wanted to give her this, and she never will.
What are the odds in life? You see someone and instantly your heart melts like a chocolate fudge on a hot summer morning.
TONS. You experience this lots and lots of times, well, until you grow old of it and just wonder if once, you will meet that single person in your life that you will love and be loved back. I believe in that, I really hope that I will find that person. I like someone now, the same person that I liked last year, but she says she doesn't feel what I feel for her.
Tragic. Its a shame that happened, I really hoped that she would at least have a tiny bit of feeling for me. I can't get over it, I simply can't.
I see other people being in relationships, they're happy. Why can't I be like them? Am I doing something wrong?
As the days go on I feel smaller and smaller and smaller, the world is opening up to me but I can't reach the velvet skies up above my head. Its like everyone is using me, nobody really cares for me.
I'm being honest here, I'm smart, okay, better than mostly a lot of people, but I'm not the best, just above the ranks. And I'm someone who can't stand seeing people I know in trouble, I have to help them. I'm not boasting but I'm just too easy to be manipulated. I taught in the library last year, because I wanted everyone to get the marks they wanted, everyone I could help I did, I swear I really did.
But I am not a saint, I'm only human. I want something in return, I know its selfish but this is only where I can tell my feelings out. I want to have friends, real friends. I don't want them who would only be my friend because I can teach them. I want to have friends that love me for who I am, not what I'm capable of doing. Someone told me she and her friends loved me cause I am the person I am. I'm skeptical, why won't they find me, sms me, call me?
WHY???
In addition to my worries of no friends, I can't even find someone to love or like. The girl I like don't like me, I feel its unfair to me. I did so much for her and yet, there's no feeling coming from her. Its like I'm a tool to be used by all.
I'm human only, I'm not a sick utility closet for everyone to use. I had God-damn feelings! I don't just study my fcking ass off, that's not how I earn my grades. I am just like all of you, I think.
As a boy, I cry, I listen to Owl City, I enjoy a midnight stroll along a quiet shore with only the waves by my side, I hate football and all other things that boys like oh so much, I spend most of my time being alone at home, I wish for THEM to find me but they wouldn't. So much for man-hood, I really wonder if I'm some kind of freak show.
They say everyone likes me, I don't feel that. I seriously don't. No one cares, unless I tell them to. And that's just wrong, I won't do that.
I guess I'll wait, but I hope that I will see the day that my dreams will be fulfilled. A happy life, friends that care, someone that loves me for me, someone that I love cause she makes me- me.
She never knew I wanted to give her this, and she never will.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Last Christmas
Last Christmas I had no heart, but the next two days I gained it anyway.
Last Christmas the nights were still yet the nights were filled with lights galore.
Last Christmas sat on a couch and stared into a square box of light.
Well, that's a poetic thing. Anyway, school's about to start and I plan to go through it just by breezing through it and letting time take over. I miss Christmas already and it's not just for the merry cheers and nifty presents laying under the Christmas tree. I missed a chance to talk with a girl who thought I was a freak, missed a chance to say goodbye to my friends, missed a chance to bid farewell and so on.
Time is such a silly thing, it's never in one's hand yet people say,' Take good care on how you manage your time.' What is time? I don't know, I remember reading once from somewhere that time is just an illusion, it isn't real. But, if it isn't real then why are we enslaved to the passing of moments which is time?
When we're enjoying ourselves, time pass us by as fast as a speeding train heading for the next stop. But when we are sad, miserable, time seems to flow so slow that one second feels like the rest of eternity. I guess that's just how it was meant to be, it was always to be so. And I feel like I wasted my whole year, to let time itself that I let it pass me by.
I love God, if it wasn't for Him, I think I wouldn't last until this moment. I really miss church, feels like my home, friends there don't care what I was and take me in, pray for me, I am and will be forever grateful to Him and them.
I'll be the person I hope I'll be as it comes to me. I won't cry no more, I know that I'm over-emotional but I try not to cry anymore.
Life goes on and I really wished it would stop for me, but I know it won't. So here's to my next life story
Cheers.
Last Christmas the nights were still yet the nights were filled with lights galore.
Last Christmas sat on a couch and stared into a square box of light.
Well, that's a poetic thing. Anyway, school's about to start and I plan to go through it just by breezing through it and letting time take over. I miss Christmas already and it's not just for the merry cheers and nifty presents laying under the Christmas tree. I missed a chance to talk with a girl who thought I was a freak, missed a chance to say goodbye to my friends, missed a chance to bid farewell and so on.
Time is such a silly thing, it's never in one's hand yet people say,' Take good care on how you manage your time.' What is time? I don't know, I remember reading once from somewhere that time is just an illusion, it isn't real. But, if it isn't real then why are we enslaved to the passing of moments which is time?
When we're enjoying ourselves, time pass us by as fast as a speeding train heading for the next stop. But when we are sad, miserable, time seems to flow so slow that one second feels like the rest of eternity. I guess that's just how it was meant to be, it was always to be so. And I feel like I wasted my whole year, to let time itself that I let it pass me by.
I love God, if it wasn't for Him, I think I wouldn't last until this moment. I really miss church, feels like my home, friends there don't care what I was and take me in, pray for me, I am and will be forever grateful to Him and them.
I'll be the person I hope I'll be as it comes to me. I won't cry no more, I know that I'm over-emotional but I try not to cry anymore.
Life goes on and I really wished it would stop for me, but I know it won't. So here's to my next life story
Cheers.
Fine, You Are
7 As, I hate this crap!!!!!!!! I want to jump down a cliff now!
Oh well, didn't update in like half a millennium that, maybe fish had already started to evolve into flying elephants or jumping fire ants.
Curse YOU PMR!!!!!
Well, to summarize it all, broke up the hook up, camp to happiness, kuantan cold, church nice, God rules all, wasted opportunities and no more going to the sanctuary.
Yupp......FXXK it. I love my stupid life, and I'm lazy to write down all the details but yeah, my life sucks that much that I would kick my own behind with a gun nozzle and smile like a tormented fried duck....with pride.
Oh well, didn't update in like half a millennium that, maybe fish had already started to evolve into flying elephants or jumping fire ants.
Curse YOU PMR!!!!!
Well, to summarize it all, broke up the hook up, camp to happiness, kuantan cold, church nice, God rules all, wasted opportunities and no more going to the sanctuary.
Yupp......FXXK it. I love my stupid life, and I'm lazy to write down all the details but yeah, my life sucks that much that I would kick my own behind with a gun nozzle and smile like a tormented fried duck....with pride.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I Love You, I Love You, I Love You
Yes, I love you, I love you, I love you 2008. But what the heck, its over so let's move on. Well, I went to Kuantan with my best bud for 4 days, got ashtma (so awesome its just like taking drugs just without the hang over) for 4 days.
Elim Church Camp was awesome! So fun....so FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh well, time to go run the shop.
Elim Church Camp was awesome! So fun....so FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh well, time to go run the shop.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Posting Crap About Crap
Going to start writing again, a new story brought up from new ideas, going to try to finish this one, high hopes suckers.
Been so long since how far I came to be, I'm no good person, I know it, embrace it, try to change it. No matter what, I'm still what I perceive to be, what I never changed has altered me to become something much more different than what I thought I would be. Crap, I don't care.
If its brought me this far I'd still go for longer than a thousand miles to make me break down. Not this time, I go up than fall deep.
School sucks kangaroo balls, it makes me sick to attend that dreaded stench deranged pigsty. Pn. t0i\1G is getting on everyone's nerves, I'd be glad to stick a cucumber up her mouth to shut her up.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Let's See....
Okay, The End is turning up to almost everything I almost wanted. Relationship, friends, no girl phobia, getting a chance to go to the magnificently beautifully nature full seaside of the awesome Kuantan, more.....more....MORE!!!!!!!
I promised I would not waste my End by sitting in front of a computer screen or TV, by now....well, it's shaping up QUITE well. I apologize to the people who I can't and I would NEVER ever go back to them, no matter what happens. You see, if I did go back it'll make my life turn into another rolling ball of fermenting d!ck cr@p. So please let it go, don't look back, you're doing us both the favor of the better choice. Well, at least I have my life just the way I always loved to right the damn now.
Anyways, onto a more subtle and interesting note, I'd love to go and jump down a cliff.
I promised I would not waste my End by sitting in front of a computer screen or TV, by now....well, it's shaping up QUITE well. I apologize to the people who I can't and I would NEVER ever go back to them, no matter what happens. You see, if I did go back it'll make my life turn into another rolling ball of fermenting d!ck cr@p. So please let it go, don't look back, you're doing us both the favor of the better choice. Well, at least I have my life just the way I always loved to right the damn now.
Anyways, onto a more subtle and interesting note, I'd love to go and jump down a cliff.
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